The space between us was cold. Air flew into the gaps between our feet, the backs of our knees and the curves of our spines. It made me cold in a way I hadn’t felt before. The space reminded me of all the things I wanted. To be warm. To fit. It made me want to move. I craved so much to shift and to push back and fill the empty space with skin, but no matter which way I turned there would always be a new and empty space. I lay there thinking of Newton’s Third Law of Physics: for every action there is an opposite and equal reaction. I always loved physics. I thought then about the properties of motion, things like friction and gravity. Two people may be attracted to one another but without some level of friction, without some level of discord or imperfection, they will never stick together. I lay there wondering if it is the ways in which two people are not alike that makes some relationships so beautiful. There is a certain level of attraction and excitement to the unknown that lives in the space between our bodies.
You know the feeling you get when you walk down the stairs in the dark and you don’t know when you’re on the last step? The butterflies that come from a foot waiting to drop are such a unique feeling: the thrill of the fall accompanied by fear of a seemingly endless abyss beneath you. For that one moment there is no next step, just the fall.
That was my 2013. Transitions. Falls. Unknown. Excitement. Imperfection. Adventure. Newness.
As I worked to revitalize the exhausted, cold and dusty parts of my soul this past year, I learned a few things a long the way. I learned how to prioritize the people and things I love. I learned to let myself fall into moments so deeply that I would start to think they might last forever. I did this with some intent but also by chance. I made day to day changes. I tried to eat and drink without guilt. I slept in and enjoyed the feeling of a lazy day. I let myself go to new places with no expectations and no fears of being disliked. I took things with the grain of salt. I let myself let people down. That was a big one and, although it may seem odd, it might have had the most positive impact. I’ve always let other peoples perceptions of me guide my decisions. By making these small changes and forcing myself into new, uncomfortable situations I can honestly say I transformed 2013. I shook out the cobwebs that had settled over my sense of optimism and adventure. I made some amazing friends and fell even more in love with the old ones. I tackled new projects and I failed at more than a few. I did some things I could regret but won’t. I tried to fill the empty spaces and push back against the friction of life. I experienced the properties of motion.
As for 2014, I am not one for New Year’s resolutions. Yes, I have personal goals such as getting back into the habit of Bikram Yoga and continuing to worry less and experience more. Ultimately if I set resolutions I feel like I am trying to plan out my year and I think I’ll let this year plan itself.
“For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”– Siir Isaac Newton
-Happy New Year-
So much love for the people who filled the past year.